Mr. A was what people would call a “playboy.” His appearance was ordinary, but he was tall, sociable, financially comfortable thanks to his parents, and had a stable job.
More than anything, he was passionate. When he met women, he was active and direct. If there was a woman he liked, he would do whatever he could to meet her.
Then one day, he said,
“Representative Lee, I think it is time for me to get married.”
“Have you ended things with all the women you had been seeing?”
“I am going to stop that kind of dating now.”
“Then what kind of woman do you want to marry?”
His answer was unexpected.
“A woman who has not had much experience with men.”
“After you yourself have met so many women?”
He laughed.
“That is exactly why I like that kind of woman.”
I was dumbfounded and asked again.
“What kind of woman do you mean, specifically?”
“A woman who was raised well, quiet and gentle, and has not dated many men. I would like someone like a modest, well-brought-up lady.”
I thought his desire was excessive. But he insisted. After introducing him to several women, he finally met the kind of woman he had wanted. She was quiet and proper. She did not have much dating experience. She was the “modest, well-brought-up woman” he had been looking for.
The two got married.
I thought to myself,
“Still, once he gets married, maybe he will change a little.”
But the problem began after marriage.
One day, he came to see me, saying he felt frustrated.
“Representative Lee, it is really no fun.”
“What is no fun?”
“I can’t communicate with my wife.”
“Didn’t you know that before marriage?”
“At the time, I liked that she was quiet. She was exactly the kind of woman I wanted.”
“And now?”
“After living together, I realized we are too different. Our interests are different, and we cannot really talk.”
His wife had even greater complaints.
“I had no idea he was this kind of person before marriage.”
“What is the hardest part?”
“His way of thinking itself is completely different from mine. He feels almost abnormal to me.”
They had both married the kind of spouse they had wanted. The man wanted a gentle and quiet woman. The woman married a financially stable and active man.
On paper, neither seemed lacking.
But after living together, things were different. Their backgrounds were different. Their family upbringing was different. Their friends were different. Even the topics they talked about were different.
Most of all, their views on married life and sex were different. To the husband, his wife became someone who made intimacy feel increasingly dull. To the wife, her husband’s behavior and demands in bed became burdensome.
In the end, the husband began going out again. He had affairs, and the marriage fell apart.
They divorced.
After some time, both remarried.
The man remarried a woman who, like him, had met many people and had broad life experience. The woman remarried a naive man who had wounds similar to her own.
It is strange.
In their first marriage, they looked for what they did not have in themselves.
In their second marriage, they chose people who were more like themselves.
Before marriage, people look at conditions such as appearance, education, job, financial power, and family background. They also create their own image of a spouse: “I can never marry this kind of person,” or “This is the kind of person I must marry.”
But once people marry and begin seeing each other every day, completely different things become important.
Can we talk to each other?
Do our living habits match?
Are we sexually compatible?
Do we spend money in similar ways?
How do we resolve conflict?
Can we stop doing things the other person dislikes?
Someone who seemed perfect before marriage can become a difficult spouse once you live together.
Someone who seemed ordinary at first can become a better spouse the longer you live together.
— Woon Jin Lee
CEO, Couple.net
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That is why marriage is difficult.
You cannot truly know until you live together.
